Why does this issue haunt me? It's 1:00 AM and my mind is racing, as well as my heart. The knot is in my stomach and in my throat. Why do I rehash the words that were said and cannot be taken back or forgotten? Why do I analyze and re-analyze each nuance and sentence of every e-mail for a deeper meaning? Why do I feel so terribly fragile and abandoned by my brother? Why do I care so much?
I have so few blood relatives and he is my only sibling. I had been taught by my mother 's example to put him on a pedastal. He is "man" and I am "woman." And, yes, there is a difference. His standard joke is that NASA put Sally Ride on the space ship so she could clean the windows. And yes, I'm ashamed that I laughed.
During our fiasco, I called him a mysoginist out of deep-seated anger. I also called him a number of other things...pompous, arrogant - and a few other gems. I was told that I play the role of "victim," and blame my parents for everything that's gone sour in my life.
WORDS - they can be forgiven but never forgotten. The book of James says that the tongue is a two-edged sword and is harmful. It has destroyed the bond between a brother and sister; a brother and sister who used to be so close, we'd have marathon phone calls, discussing politics and world issues, the state of the world. I always sought his advice and looked forward to talking with him or seeing him. Now, that is gone. With the stroke of the keyboard, it is all gone.
His image of me is destroyed as is mine of him. We all have clay feet but apparently, as in our case, that can't be forgiven. Two months after our diatribe, I sent another e-mail telling him that our parents would be very upset at the state we were in. This was at the anniversary of our mother's death and I felt so badly. I was informed that he had nothing to apologize about. His conscience was clear.
to be cont....