Echoes from the Garden...

My best thoughts often come to me when I'm in the garden, pulling weeds and smashing snails. Unfortunately, I didn't have pen and paper in hand so most of these thoughts went the way of the dandelion and scattered in the breeze, never to return to my consciousness.

I do remember thinking of the weird dreams I'd been having recently of Brian...in one of them I dreamed he was calling to me for help and in another, he was on my roof shooting a gun at nothing in particular. I had him on my mind a lot in the past few days, and lo and behold, he called me. It is so strange how many times this has happened to me over the years. I hadn't heard from him since he left the "message" on the answering machine on my birthday in June and hadn't seen him in almost a year. He and Cindy came by to pick up a resume I prepared for him. He, too, suffers from depression and Doug's death has affected him deeply. Unfortunately, he also suffers from a case of "bad attitude" and anti-social behaviors. It's such a shame because he has such a great heart and is capable of so much.

Separations - brother and sister. This is such a strange relationship. Kids fight like cats and dogs but when grown can transform into such a tight bond. Now there is separation in two generations. Two tightly woven bonds have snapped and the resulting backlash has deeply wounded four people, plus the people swept up into the tide, those that love them. I hope and pray for healing.

I was covered with mud and snail slime, and thought how it is that, when we need them the most, our parents are no longer available to us. How I would love to be able to sit down with my dad and ask him what to do with this craziness with KR. What would his advice be? How would he handle it? I know it would grieve him deeply if he knew that his two offspring were in such a state. He and his brother were estranged but I don't know what caused it. I remember seeing his brother coming out of the mortuary after viewing my dad's earthly remains, wiping his eyes, seeming truly broken. He didn't know I could see him, but it helped me to know that he was feeling the loss of his brother, that he loved him. It's a shame that I don't remember them ever interacting as brothers should...

I have missed my dad every moment since his death in March of 1969 - that's 37 years I've spent wondering what if he'd lived...how would KR have turned out? I wonder....He claims to be so much like our dad yet there are certain areas in which he could never measure up. My dad never mocked or ridiculed women and he relished being in the company of our mother and we all knew how much he loved her. I have wonderful memories of walking in on them in the kitchen, wrapped tightly in an embrace, and seeing me, they just smiled. What a way to grow up! Knowing your parents were in love...what a gift~They were like that. They weren't "huggy-kissy" with us kids but I always felt secure seeing how much they loved each other.

I wish I could bring back the philosophical words of wisdom I had while in the garden but this will have to suffice.