Okay, I fell for it. I bought a "Topsy Turvy" tomato planter. The idea is to let the plants grow toward the ground instead of upward, thus eliminating the need for staking the plants. I planted Early Girl, Best Boy, and Brandywine. I followed the instructions to a tee. I think we got a total of twenty malformed tomatoes.
And I've never seen so many tomato worms in my life! Those buggars are ugly, too. And they have horns that can poke you. When you stomp on them they splatter, full of green goo. The ones that were big like my fingers, I had hubman remove, but he made so much fun of me (since I'm not a girly-girl) that I managed to be the worm serial killer. (I don't like using chemicals)
I think I'll go back to oak barrels next year!