---Alice Abrams

Monday, October 19, 2009


This post should go over to "Echoes of the Night," but I feel like more of you follow me here than there.

Fall is not a good season for me. It brings in the blues of depression, not the blues of springtime and flowers. Most depression can be walked off, talked off, or slept off. Mine makes me go deeper than that and lower than I ever want to go. Some people have dreams and nightmares. I become my nightmares.

Being Bipolar means I will probably read this tomorrow and say, "Why the hell did I post that? What was wrong with me?" I'm trying to learn to live in the moment and not beat myself about how I felt today. I know we control the moment. I still beat myself up for the past, and I have no control over the future (other than I believe it is in God's hands which provides a lot of comfort).

My manic bouts are minor and far and few between, it's the depression part that eats away at my innards. The guilt sets in when I realize how much I have - not possessions - but people that love me, healthy children (except for one, and that's due to choices he's made). I have a husband that loves me and never thinks of walking away from me when I'm ready to give up on myself. So, the thoughts come in playing around in my mind and taunting me: "What are you whining about?" I'm not whining - I'm running. I'm running from me.

(If you click on this, you should be able to see the little boat out in the middle. That's where I am tonight. I can see the harbor, and I am close to shore where I will find peace and drop my anchor.)


Traveling Bells said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are in that little boat, so close, but so far away from safe shore. Just remember that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. And this depression is temporary. Sending prayers and big hugs to you...

Linda said...

What Sandy said, remember that you are never alone though I am sure that even knowing that, there are times when you can't help but feel that way. Depression isn't you being selfish, depression is an illness and like other illnesses it to be treated. I'm sure that your good days outweigh your bad ones but I know that they're going to pop up from time to time.

Just hang in there and do the best you can and, like you said, you'll be feeling better before too long. If you never felt better, that's when I would really start worrying about you.

Hugs, my friend.

Sandee said...

What Sandy and Linda said honey. Big hugs and tons of love coming your way. :)

Desert Songbird said...

I think the worst part of depression must be the guilt one feels. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart tells you something else.

Peace to you, Gracie.

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

i understand this too, and i am so sorry you are going through this now honey. hope it's over fast, really i do...

big giant hugs, bee

Gattina said...

I had seasonal depression for years ! always in fall. After Christmas it stopped. Since a few years it just disappeared. Fortunately, I don't miss it, but I still hate fall !

ivana said...

Ciao Grace,
I hope that reading, reflecting and writing about depression or what it is, help us to face this moments or days!!!
Have a light day!!!


Anonymous said...

Hello again.

I hope this cycle of depression will pass soon for you. I can say that I hear your pain in the words you wrote- but I cannot say that I fully know your pain because it is very personal for and to you. What I can offer is to approach Christ's cross with you in prayer- so that through Him your burden may be made light and you may be restored to wholeness. I hope you do not mind that I share the following Scripture from Isaiah 43 with you:

"But now, thus says Yahweh, who created you Jacob; who formed you Israel:
Do not be afraid for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine. Should you pass through the sea, I will be with you;
or through rivers, they shall not swallow you up.
Should you walk through fire you will not be scorched
and the flames will not burn you.
For I am Yahweh, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
...Because you are precious in my eyes, because your are honored and I love you..."