---Alice Abrams

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Echoes of Fire and Water...

The beauty and power portrayed in this image of lava flowing into the ocean is awesome. But it has a feeling of confusion. Fire on the water...these two forces of nature shouldn't be combined yet apart like this. A dichotomy. Our eyes see it but our brains process it as impossible. Water is supposed to put out fire; fire shouldn't exist on water.

This is often how my emotions exist inside me. Fire and water. They don't mix, so confusion reigns, stirring thoughts of negativity inside the cauldron deep inside the me that is. The negative thoughts swirl alongside the positive thoughts that I try to send forth to quench the fires of sadness and impotence that keep me entrenched in nothingness. My thoughts shift back and forth during the waking hours leaving me in tears over nothing one minute, and the next, smiling at something totally inane.

I see images of war and hatred and realize how fortunate and blessed I am that I live where I do and not in a war zone. But I am stuck in the politically correct "quagmire" of my psyche, going nowhere and stuck deep within the sinkhole I can't climb out of. Why is this? It is all part of my "disability," the doctors tell me. Well, fine! But if I am aware of it, why the hell can't I change it?

They tell me to think of it in terms of insulin. If I was diabetic, my blood sugar would be kept under control with an injection. If I didn't take meds I would be ready to try leaping from tall buildings or diving under a train. I am just tired of this wretched overwhelming feeling of seclusion and sadness.

Doug found refuge in the Psalms when he was haunted by despair. My precious dad had me memorize the 91st Psalm to recite when I was fearful.

"...He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge...You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day...If you make the Most High your dwelling---even the Lord, who is my refuge---then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways: they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone..."

Yet, I feel my faith sliding into the ocean like the lava...turning into steam and floating into the wind. My soul screams for it to return...let me be as that child, whose father taught her those comforting words, let me believe again!

My God! Please infuse a grain of faith into my heart again!

No comments: