---Alice Abrams

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Echoes of a Gray Heart...

Thanksgiving is in two days. I forgot to mail my cousin's birthday card so it would get to her in time so I sent her an e-card. How thoughtful of me. She is always on time and I'm a day late and dollar short. I think about these things for days and then, when the time gets close, I drop the ball. I have a project for her I've been thinking about and working on in my mind, but I haven't been able to actualize it. I hate this about myself.

Thanksgiving - I have no idea where my son is, haven't talked with my oldest, and my youngest and her boys are going to my brother's. I felt a subtle "grayness" creep into my veins and fill up my heart. When C asked me about it, I told her there was no way we could go because of the "dog issue," and even at that, it's about $75 just to board the birds for that length of time (Wednesday-Monday). I asked Wally about just going down for Friday for dinner and he told me he really doesn't feel like he wants to beat himself up by driving 4-6 hours that day, and that he doesn't feel that he wants to be around KR right now.

I told him that I had tried so hard not to let my problem with him seep into other's relationships. I told L & C that they needed to overlook my issues and not let it influence them. But my poor husband is the one that saw me fall apart and weep, not understanding what I'd done. He's had to bear the brunt of my breakdown and he can't let go. I understand that. I am sorry for it, as well. He once said that KR was like the brother he never had. One mistake, one misunderstanding and a family is torn asunder. Maybe that's too harsh a term, after all, I'm free to go down anytime I like. It's just no longer my home. I should've gotten over that a long time ago. It stopped being home when my mom died. I just didn't get it.

THANKSGIVING - I have a lot of things to be thankful for. I do have people that love me, I just make it so difficult for them. I retreat and push away at the same time. Even though I sometimes wish I no longer exist, I do. I would never wish pain on those I love. Somewhere, deep inside of me, a primal part of me, I could never bring shame or pain to Wally, my children, or Lynne.

That I take refuge in my belief in God and His grace to see us all through the messes in our lives; the shadows that linger. For that I give Thanks.

I give Thanks to God for His saving grace - without it, I wouldn't be able to find my way in the dark and embrace the morning light.

No comments: