---Alice Abrams

Friday, October 13, 2006

Echoes of Anger and Forgiving...

Forgiving...I've always considered myself to be a very forgiving spirit. But anger is eating away at my core and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel such sorrow for what is lost and overwhelming anger because there is no reasoning with the one I have lost. Anger is a cancer - I know that. I have been taught all of my life to supress anger. Right...look at what that has gotten me. A propensity to eat my anger and a gut that heats up at a moment's notice. I feel as if I'm "composting" inside, all of the garbage in my life is turning into a toxic stew and eating away at me.

I've asked for forgiveness and feel as though it was totally one-sided because the other party did nothing wrong, in his eyes, except point out my shortcomings. I can't grovel and feel any self respect at all. I would love to receive a phone call just once, asking me how am I feeling...just once. But no, that's asking too much. I feel as if I've been totally discounted yet once again. I've lived my life in the shadows. Nothing I've ever done has been validated. Not my singing, my writing, my art...nothing. It's a one-way street and I've decided, for my own sake, to drive the other way. That means I've cut myself off from someone whom I love dearly but cannot accept me as I am.

Why does this have to be such a big "f-ing" deal? Other siblings have words, shake off, hug and kiss and that's the end of it. Why does this have to be the end of the relationship? Is this just an excuse to cut me out of his life? And to be truthful, why am I mourning so deeply, if this is how it's to be? The mask dropped for a moment and I saw truth.
to be cont....

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