---Alice Abrams

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Echoes of "My Fall"

In my last post, I referenced the "Season of my fall." This photo was taken three years ago and I had recently lost 130 lbs. I was horrified at how my neck looked, all "crepey," and I jokingly referred to my collar bones as new perches for my parrot, Spanky, to ride around on. Since I've been home and not working, my eating habits have gone down the rabbit hole, and I'm like Alice.

I haven't had a haircut since August '05 and my hair is hanging down to my shoulders. I don't know what the heck to do with it since I've worn it so short for so long. I manage to whack off some bangs now and again but I'm sitting here now, with it stringy and oily. Eew. I haven't kept up with my facial routine and I rarely wear makeup. That in itself is unimaginable. I am so vain I'd never even go to the grocery store without my face painted. Now, I go to my MD app'ts with oily hair tucked up in a ball cap, no makeup and nasty feet. That is a major factor of depression. I just don't care.

My legs and feet look old and I've always had "pretty" feet and always kept up my nails. My inner arms are all "crepy" and my neck and chest are showing sun damage, along with my face. All those years laying out in the sun have come back to haunt me. And I've gotten the moustache thing going on in a major way. I used to pluck, pluck, pluck and now I pretend those pesky little hairs are a figment of my imagination. Same with other places pesky little hairs tend to grow.

Why have I given up so completely? I've always been such a girly-girl when it came to bottles and pots and brushes and potions and lotions. I loved the fuchias and roses and mauves and tawnies, the blushes and polishes. Where did that desire go to be the best I could be? Did that desire get bagged up along with all the autumn leaves and thrown in the garbage?

My mom, at 75, always looked beautiful. She never stopped caring. Even though she had no one to be beautiful for. Was it self-esteem? Must be and I'm fresh outta that...I'll have to start watching the sales fliers to see if I can find some.

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